Episode 15

...Feeling the Holiday Blues

Published on: 13th October, 2021

Ana and Hana say goodbye to 2020 and ring in the ever so hopeful 2021. 2021 is greeted with further isolation due to the continuation of the pandemic which is not lost on Ana who is experiencing acute isolation and loneliness during the holidays. Not only is it the very first "pandemic holiday", it is also Ana's first holidays living alone and divorced. In a vulnerable reading, Ana shares a story she wrote on the evening of Christmas night while allowing the depths of grief to take hold. Hana discusses with Ana the importance of Ana's spiritual practice during the holiday season and how she may pass on her own traditions to her son.

Originally recorded on January 17, 2021.

The Loneliest Christmas

I have never been alone on Christmas. Until today. Christmas has always been an occasion where I allowed myself to experience joy, joy in the moment, joy in sensations and experiences, joy in the belief of magic. As a nonreligious but heavily spiritual person, Christmas has become a baffling holiday. My tree, the first one I ever cut and put up on my own, sits resplendent in green, white, and red lights, with hastily tucked presents in various stages of unwrap spilling from beneath. Yet I sit alone watching the cheerful electric glow feeling wave upon wave of nostalgia.

What is it that drew me to this holiday as a child? There were no passionate stories of baby Jesus told by my family other than the ones told in media, school, or books. My childhood holidays were plentiful but never glorified presents and getting. Instead, I searched for a certain resonance which I ached to find each year. I began to liken that ‘feeling’ to the heavy softness of a pink glowing snowy night. The kind I can stand in and feel every beat of my heart. 

With each passing year however, I grew older and began to lose my ability to feel that quality of awe and magic - like a relationship growing stale with disillusionment. When I held my newborn son in my arms, I fantasized of Christmas’ to come, of allowing him to experience that same joy and excitement that I once felt. And it is true, at nearly 6 years old he has found that wonder. He still believes in magic and the unknown, still freshly innocent from the skepticism of our modern society that is hell bent on cutting us off from that vital connection of flow and spirit. 

However, just as important as finding that intangible joy of holiday spirit, is experiencing that joy with others. How I dreamed of hosting Christmas at my home so I could perhaps hold that space of love and excitement for my loved ones. Children excitedly run about the house preparing for the arrival of a strange man. Telling stories to my family, sharing in laughter, food, and memories of Christmas past. And for a time, I had a glimpse of that. I played host. Filled stockings. Laid long tables in my living room for multitudes of guests and family. 

Tonight is different. This year is different. More people than ever are experiencing a lonely Christmas for perhaps the first time. Many more are coping with past and recent losses of loved ones, of lost lives, of people too faraway to share in the collective joy. 

I am not a victim. I do not pity myself or think I am in any way special in my solitude. I feel a deep, cavernous sorrow. A grief so heartbreaking it threatens to burst from the pain in my chest. The grief is not just my own and it is not just about this moment in time of lost and far away memories. I am living alone for the first time in my life - I chose to break away from what no longer held me, supported me, and nourished me. And I grieve, as much as if it wasn’t my own choice. 

As I allow the flood of emotions to rise and fall with my breath, I choose to explore questions I have - before tonight - never considered. How do I experience that purity of innocence, joy, and wonder every day - not just during an intentional holiday? How have I never connected what I experienced as a child with a spiritual connection - a total and utter presence?  And why have I perceived this experience to only be allowed in connection to a certain time and a certain age? 

And of course the answers are within. I created that space as a child through passion, envisioning, and unwavering faith - I did it - no one else. And I can do it again and again, if I choose to, even tonight, on my loneliest Christmas. 

All Episodes Previous Episode

Listen for free

Show artwork for The Pen Is...

About the Podcast

The Pen Is...
Examining Life Through Writing
Amusing, introspective, and vulnerable conversations about writing as a creative outlet. Join hosts Ana and Hana as they discuss personal stories, practice writing exercises, and explore everyday life challenges through the art of writing. New episodes are released every Wednesday and are available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and Stitcher. Also, we love hearing from listeners about their own experiences with writing! Please feel free to email us at anahanapodcast@gmail.com.

About your hosts

Ana Bradley

Profile picture for Ana Bradley
In the summer of 2020, Ana found herself navigating not only a pandemic but also her most pivotal, personal life changes to date. Upon transitioning her role in the nonprofit she co-founded, starting a new job, and looking down the barrel at the prospect of becoming a single mother, Ana re-kindles her friendship with her college roommate, Hana. Finding joy and comfort in their weekly conversations (quite a feat for the otherwise consistently infrequent communication patterns of days past) the pair decided it was time to honor their long-time dream of creating a podcast together. Throwing out podcast ideas ranging from vibrator reviews to rhyming word battles, the duo found common ground in the titillating world of writing and talking about said writing. When not writing pieces and talking about them, Ana can be found playing the same notes on a piano until inspiration strikes, poking at various stages of scat to identify the animal, and keeping up with her inquisitive and wise beyond-his-years 6-year-old son. She lives with her son, a cat named Furball, and a parakeet.

Hana Binder

Profile picture for Hana Binder
When Hana moved to Germany in March 2019 to live with her partner she had three goals: learn German, get better at cooking, and start a podcast. One year later, her language skills were pretty top-notch, her cooking skills less so, and her answer to friends' questions about the podcast was still "I'm working on it," which was code for "I'm not working on it." With the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, Hana discovered the secret to better cooking - meal delivery kits - and finally started thinking seriously about what kind of podcast she wanted to host. During her video chats with college best friend Ana, an idea started to take shape that would eventually become their show "The Pen Is...," followed eventually by her solo endeavor, "My Dilettante Life."
When she's not waiting tables at Regensburg's finest café or developing new pieces for her podcasts, Hana can be found tidying the world's smallest kitchen or walking her dog among the rolling hills of the Bavarian countryside.

Kjartan Einarsson

Profile picture for Kjartan Einarsson
A total geek, metalhead, and an avid reader of many genres, Julli is also a musician and an audiofreak and likes to dabble in technology. Currently living in Austria, Julli has traveled far and wide and has lived in 7 different countries for the past 15 years. It has been a wild ride that seems to not want to stop. Today, Julli is working towards certifications in IT Business Management and ServiceNow platform, not much metal there but hey, it's a living.