Episode 8

...Allowing Emotional Acceptance

Published on: 7th July, 2021

After exploring writing a piece that uses only dialogue in Episode 5, Hana pushes Ana even further by challenging her to write a fiction piece that mixes dialogue and expository text. Ana - ever ready for the challenge, finds herself writing an emotionally laden conversation between two people working through a tense exchange. Ana surprises herself with how easily she was able to work in some of her own experiences with allowing emotional acceptance and finds that dialogue doesn't have to be spoken to be heard.

Originally recorded on September 20, 2020

She sat down. It was an intentional sit. Slowly lowering herself to the cushioned chair, prim, poised, and ready. Her heart kept beat. A waltz. 1-2-3, 1-2-3. The steady rhythm calmed her. In her mind she imagined conductor’s hands, baton flying through the air holding pace, keeping steady, leading with ease while orchestrating the conversation at hand. 


Firmly seated, she raised her eyes across the room to him. There he sat eyes aglow. Waiting. For what? For the baton to drop? For the still air in the stifling room to suddenly shift, a ghost of a breeze wafting as if on cue to begin the inevitable? 


Her heart ached. Still pounding with the dance, counting, pulsing, whooshing blood in and out, up and down. He seemed so far away even if it was only several feet, it felt like miles. Miles of distance, untouchable. 


“I’m not afraid.” She stated. Only her lips moved, her eyes locked into his. He didn’t move or react. In his silence there seemed to be a placid allowing, as if he knew exactly what she was about to say and he agreed. 


He breathed in deeply, letting the breath expand his chest, his eyes not moving from hers. 


He spoke now after with the last few beats of exhale. “I might be.” 


She was not surprised by this response. His body posture gave the false impression of utter calm, yet his eyes shone with such intensity it seemed as if the emotion might burst forth in a flash of light and fear. Instinctively she wanted to reach out and touch his cheek as if to comfort a child. Her hand didn’t move. Nor did her body. The space between them had become far too great, far too expansive for such a singular journey. 


Sensing her inner conflict he offered reassurance. “I can hold this. I can bear it.”


“What if I can’t?” She asked, eyes near to tears. Her barely held back grief had begun to leak out, tearing at the seams with the pressure of holding in it. Holding it down. Keeping it close. “I’m scared I’m losing. Losing this game of pretending it’s all ok. I’m wavering.”

At this he smiled slightly. The smile spoke of understanding and immense love. He knew only too well that sense of slipping and of losing. It was his turn to feel the urge of bridging the echoing distance between them. To take her in and bring her gently to his heart so she could hear the waltz beating consistently within his own chest. The same rhythm. The same song. The same desire. 


After several measures he finally spoke. It came out in a heartbreaking whisper and floated towards her with fierce tenderness. Yet no words actually escaped his lips. It was the very essence of his meaning and emotion that transmitted instantly into her core and she knew without knowing the message he needed to send. 


A mutual acceptance filled their void and held the space within. 

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About the Podcast

The Pen Is...
Examining Life Through Writing
Amusing, introspective, and vulnerable conversations about writing as a creative outlet. Join hosts Ana and Hana as they discuss personal stories, practice writing exercises, and explore everyday life challenges through the art of writing. New episodes are released every Wednesday and are available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and Stitcher. Also, we love hearing from listeners about their own experiences with writing! Please feel free to email us at anahanapodcast@gmail.com.

About your hosts

Ana Bradley

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In the summer of 2020, Ana found herself navigating not only a pandemic but also her most pivotal, personal life changes to date. Upon transitioning her role in the nonprofit she co-founded, starting a new job, and looking down the barrel at the prospect of becoming a single mother, Ana re-kindles her friendship with her college roommate, Hana. Finding joy and comfort in their weekly conversations (quite a feat for the otherwise consistently infrequent communication patterns of days past) the pair decided it was time to honor their long-time dream of creating a podcast together. Throwing out podcast ideas ranging from vibrator reviews to rhyming word battles, the duo found common ground in the titillating world of writing and talking about said writing. When not writing pieces and talking about them, Ana can be found playing the same notes on a piano until inspiration strikes, poking at various stages of scat to identify the animal, and keeping up with her inquisitive and wise beyond-his-years 6-year-old son. She lives with her son, a cat named Furball, and a parakeet.

Hana Binder

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When Hana moved to Germany in March 2019 to live with her partner she had three goals: learn German, get better at cooking, and start a podcast. One year later, her language skills were pretty top-notch, her cooking skills less so, and her answer to friends' questions about the podcast was still "I'm working on it," which was code for "I'm not working on it." With the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, Hana discovered the secret to better cooking - meal delivery kits - and finally started thinking seriously about what kind of podcast she wanted to host. During her video chats with college best friend Ana, an idea started to take shape that would eventually become their show "The Pen Is...," followed eventually by her solo endeavor, "My Dilettante Life."
When she's not waiting tables at Regensburg's finest café or developing new pieces for her podcasts, Hana can be found tidying the world's smallest kitchen or walking her dog among the rolling hills of the Bavarian countryside.

Kjartan Einarsson

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A total geek, metalhead, and an avid reader of many genres, Julli is also a musician and an audiofreak and likes to dabble in technology. Currently living in Austria, Julli has traveled far and wide and has lived in 7 different countries for the past 15 years. It has been a wild ride that seems to not want to stop. Today, Julli is working towards certifications in IT Business Management and ServiceNow platform, not much metal there but hey, it's a living.